By Andrea Baker

I’m a control freak.  I want to know what the plan is, who will be involved, what time things are happening, and I want those facts set in stone.  I don’t like unexpected change, and I SURE don’t like my already set plans to be interrupted or changed by somebody else.  Sometimes those plans are assumptions or expectations that I am unaware of until they are challenged or changed.

The Lord has been telling me for a long time that I need to release this desire for control.  He has been helping me see that my need to control is a self-protective behavior—a desire to protect myself from pain or disappointment.  He has been telling me that I can trust Him with my heart.  He has been reminding me that what I think is mine is really His.  I’d like to share a day in my life when He communicated these things very directly to me.

September 2011 arrived and Curt’s 16th birthday came and went.  I always assumed that he would eventually get a driver’s license; he’d been driving me around for many months since I tore my Achilles tendon almost a year before. So it didn’t seem like a big deal to me when he asked if we could go downtown for him to take the test.  He drove me into Springfield and practiced parallel parking for good measure.  He took the test, had his photo taken, paid the fees, and became the proud recipient of an official driver’s license.  We drove home and I listened as Curt told me all about his driving test.

We ate lunch and continued on with our school day.  In the afternoon, Curt asked if he could go to the Y to lift.  “Sure, what time do you want to go?” I asked.

“Well, I was thinking that I could just drive myself.”  Curt replied.  “What time do I need to be back?”

Startled by the realization that he really could go without me, I stumbled over my words and gave my consent.  I don’t remember my exact words, but I am sure they were about being safe and being aware of other drivers.

Hidden behind the curtain, I watched him back out of the driveway and head down the street.  With tears streaming down my face, I said, “Oh, God, I really am out of control now.  I know in my head that I’ve never truly been in control, but You are making that abundantly clear to my heart now.” I had never faced the fact that Curt would drive away, no longer needing my help to get him anywhere.  It caught me off-guard, and I could do nothing about it.

Curt returned home safe and sound that day, and life continued to move on.  I wish that I could say that I am over the control bug now.  Not so much.  I am making progress, though, and the Lord is giving me more and more opportunities to release my plans and expectations over to Him.  Curt is the Lord’s and I can trust the Lord with him and with my heart.