by Mark and Missy Young

Very early in life, I held the realization that I was surrounded by boys.  I have three brothers who were always there because we did everything together.  I loved my brothers and understood them.  We would go on pretend dates where I would teach them my version of “how to treat a lady” or “how to make a girl feel like a princess”.  I told them it was their job to protect, guide and respect any girl that was in their presence.  My girlfriends at school and church, well, let’s just say, I didn’t understand them.  God and I had a deal that when I became a mother, He would give me boys.

There was a time, in 2001 when the boys were six and eight, that Mark and I got a crash course in how today’s culture was going to infiltrate our family.  We felt a strong urgency about the spiritual warfare that our boys would have to face and a responsibility to prepare them a.s.a.p.  We began at this time an intentional journey to put people in our boys’ lives on whom they could depend.  We knew that what we had to give them was not going to be enough to prepare them for this world.  A friend suggested a book, Raising a Modern-Day Knight, by Robert Lewis.  This book gave us many truths to hold on to, such as, “Parents cannot, as they once did, rely on the culture to reinforce home values.  In fact, they can expect that many of the cultural forces influencing their children will be actively undermining those values.”  The main premise of the book is teaching our boys a Code of Conduct and placing a priority on being actively intentional about preparing our boys to follow a Code of Conduct.  The book uses examples from medieval knighthood.

A knight is first a page then a squire apprentice.  In these stages that typically begin around age seven; a page begins spending time with other men.  He is shown and trained how to be a man.  The definition of a man, as given by the book, is one who “rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, leads courageously, and expects the greater reward…God’s reward”.  A knight is primarily taught loyalty, is expected to “conduct himself like a champion”, is expected to “win the love of a woman” and is required to “practice generosity”.  There were rites of passage given to boys on their way to knighthood.  You will have to read the book to learn more about knighthood but here is what we did:

Starting with age ten, Mark chose two other men to join him and our sons for dinner.  He welcomed the boys into the world of men.  The other men would be available to our boys as godly examples they could look to through life.  These men were given permission and were charged with holding our boys accountable to what they were being taught.  We chose to give them a brass compass as a gift to commemorate this ceremony.  Side note: Our family has a collection of compasses to remind us that with God as our “North” we can know which direction we should go to find our way.

At age thirteen, Mark led the boys through a study called Preparing your Young Son for Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker.  This book is designed to be read by the father and son together.  There is a section of the book that reads as a conversation with Stephen and his son.  This book is strongly recommended as one of the best tools we used for teaching sexual integrity to our boys.

At age fifteen, we held a purity ceremony where we gave a gift to our boys that would be kept and given to their brides on their wedding day.  We included an elder and his wife as well as another couple who they could look to as a godly example of marriage.  On the stage of the auditorium, where he will one day vow himself to his wife, we said vows to each other.  The other couples vowed to pray for our boys’ strength to overcome temptations and to be examples to them.  As parents, Mark and I vowed to be a support to them as they fight temptations and strive to remain pure for their future mates.  Then our boys gave a vow to remain pure for their future mates and children.  We all signed a statement contract as physical representation of our vows.

At age eighteen, we held a banquet in our son’s honor.  We invited everyone we felt God had given a positive role in his life.  There were about 45 people in attendance.  We had a meal that was prepared by his grandmothers.  The tables were set with linens and centerpieces; it was a dress-up occasion.  A Bible was purchased to commemorate this ceremony and was signed with encouragement from everyone who attended.  The ceremony consisted of passing this Bible from person to person in the room; as Marshall has been touched by everyone that was in the room, so was the Bible that was presented to him.  Myron Mizell was asked to bless Marshall with his definition of a godly man and to offer his advice for the future.  His Grandpa Chainey prayed for Marshall to remember what he had learned about being a godly man.  His Grandma Chainey then blessed Marshall with examples of the kind of boy he has been; she told stories that showed his character.  Grandpa Young then prayed for Marshall’s future.  Mark and I wrote a “blessing” to Marshall that was read in the ceremony. The blessing reminded him of who he belongs to as he enters into adulthood.  A banquet will be held for Mathieu in a couple of years that will be similar.

We have plans to create a family crest that will be hung in our home with duplicates made for our boys that will be given to them when they start their own families.

We have taken every opportunity we could to teach our boys to be responsible for their actions and to be intentional about relationships.  We have taken time to actively be involved in their friends’ lives.  We have provided family dating for them as they learn how to date responsibly with boundaries they can trust.  We have placed a priority on teaching them grace.  There’s a good book about that too, Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel that we highly recommend, but that’s another topic all together.

If you have a son, love him and teach him.  He needs you.  If you have a son who is a teenager, he really, really needs you to help him survive.

In His Grace and Mercy that is new every morning,

Mark and Missy Young